I have been a college student for the last fifteen years. I am finally almost done my stint in school, and am ready to spread my wings and ass-cheeks out in the real world. As a college student, you begin to learn that the thing universities love to do more than anything else is fuck you over. They love to show you that they really don’t care about your education, all they care about is they kind of money they can squeeze out of you. It never stops. Parking passes, meal plans, books, “campus fees”. What the fuck are “campus fees”? Gen. Eds. Gen. Fucking. Eds. Those are the part that piss me off the most. “Here’s a class that has nothing to do with your chosen field of study, but since classes are $5000 in USA cold currency, lets get as many semesters out of your stupid ass as we can!” Therefore, as a student, over half of your time is spent taking classes you have no need for, and no desire to take. What a scam!
As my very last Gen Ed course this semester, I’m taking sociology. It’s the study of people. The study of people, but only when they are in groups of two or more people. Unlike any other science, there apparently is no ethical way to perform a perfectly controlled experiment in sociology. At least that’s what my textbook says.
Who cares about ethical or controlled, though? Lets look at sociology in a new way! What I propose are the following sociological experiments that can make your life a bit more fun.
THE MYSTERIOUS KETCHUP
Where do you keep your ketchup? The majority of people will probably answer,”In the fridge.” However, a small number of you may keep it in the cupboard, or maybe under your bed, or in the crack between couch cushions. This is the key aspect to the following experiment.
Find where your friend keeps their ketchup.
If they keep it in the fridge, continue with the experiment. If not, find a new test subject.
Wait for them to go take a shit or something.
Now, here’s where things get tricky. While they are gone, switch where they keep their ketchup. Take it out of the fridge and put it in the cupboard.
Repeat the same behavior for the next few weeks, until you’re sure they’ve noticed the change in position multiple times, and have blown their fucking top on the matter.
Interview your subject, and make sure you phrase it in the form of a sociological experiment.
Ask the following questions:
How many times did it take you to find the ketchup in the wrong place before you flipped a shit?
Did you throw the ketchup away after a while?
Did you blame your girlfriend?
Did you beat her like she deserved?
Why do you keep the ketchup in the fridge?
Here’s where things get really fun! Your friend will have told you why they keep the ketchup in the fridge. This is the point in the experiment where we go ahead and make them look like an asshole. The following is a list of responses they may give as to why they keep their ketchup in the fridge, and a list of answers to make you look ten times smarter. If during this process your friend becomes combative and wants to know where you keep your ketchup, say that this is an experiment, and by giving them that information, you skew the results. No need for them to know you keep it in the fridge too. This is about making them look like a paranoid fuck, and making you look like a sociologist with balls of steel.
Answer: It goes bad after a while.
Response: No it doesn’t. Show them the ingredients list. See here where it says “vinegar?” Vinegar is one of the strongest preservatives known to man. Do you keep your vinegar in the fridge?
Answer: The label says to.
Response: Actually, not all brands do, and those that do usually say as a stipulation “to maintain freshness.” Ever go to a restaurant? Where do they keep their ketchup? That’s right. On the tables.
Answer: I like it cold.
Response: That’s just stupid. You’re being a stubborn prick about the whole thing. Ever use ketchup packets? Nobody keeps those in the fridge.
At this point, it’s time to rub in how much of a jerk they are by adding small facts such as:
They have never actually tasted ketchup that has gone bad.
The reason they keep the ketchup in the fridge is because their parents did so. It is learned behavior.
Their girlfriend is calling the cops, and we can’t be friends anymore, because she came to my place last night for someone to comfort her, and well, one thing leads to another.
Now it is time to end the experiment. Thank your friend for the fun and educational time as well as for the new sex partner.
Hines is butthurt about his Heinz.
See how much fun sociology can be?
Time for another experiment.
This one is a quick and easy one. No long prep required, no weeks of waiting, just go out and try it. Go to your local grocery store, Wal-Mart, etc. Make sure you bring a set amount of money in your wallet. $30 is usually a good number. Now go pick out between forty and fifty dollars worth of merchandise. Bring the merch to the cashier, and allow them to total it up for you. When they ask you for payment, tell them that you really think the merchandise is only worth $25, and offer them that amount. Observe their behavior at this point. Observe the behavior of those in line behind you. When they refuse to take the $25, tell them they drive a hard bargain, and offer them the whole $30 you have. When this does not work, offer them your wallet as well, claiming you bought it for $25 bucks, which should surely cover the rest of the cost of the items you wish to buy. They will surely refuse, sometimes going as far to call a manager over, or asking you to leave.
Before you go, be sure to ask them why your wallet isn’t good enough as payment. Cultures all over the world barter for products. You can usually haggle over price at a car dealership or a flea market. Why not at Wal-Mart or your local chain grocery store?
You can be sure this is an experiment that will cause pubescent cashier Joe Pimple-Braces to scratch his dandruff riddled scalp. He’ll go home tonight, and instead of scouring the internet for girl on banana porn, he’ll spend a good five minutes wondering why some jackass wanted him to take a wallet as payment.
That’s one to grow on!
"Would you take national health care in exchange for these Twinkies? No? Well fuck you!"
There’s a few unspoken rules in society. First, if you keep your cell phone on at at work, in class, or at the movies, have the good sense to turn the ringer off. Actually, at the movies, it’s more of a bash-you-over-the-head-with-it-until-you-puke-or-pass-out rule, since they play about fifteen minutes worth of turn your phone off announcements before the previews start. You know, it usually happens just after the annoying and worthless “First Look” program they show when you get there early.
The second is that we never acknowledge when someone flatulates. We don’t usually respond when some dude rocks out a trouser symphony. We just keep on going as if nothing has happened. That’s just rude. Farts are amazing! They’re the body’s built in natural joke. When I play the butt trumpet, I shout my pleasure aloud! Farts ahoy! I let everybody know that what they just smelt, I just dealt. Since I can get punched repeatedly by someone screaming “DOORKNOB,” I usually punctuate every beef by proclaiming “SAFETY!” It’s a game my friends and I play, and is usually just referred to in most knowledgeable circles as “the safety game.”
So what happens when we combine these two societal norms?
A sociology experiment that’s ass-loads of fun, that’s what!
First, go online and download a ringtone that sounds like a fart. They’re pretty much all over the place. In fact, here is a site completely dedicated to fart ringtones!
After you have the fart on your phone, go to work or class. Make sure you’re popular. That way, people will be calling you all over the place. If you’re a sad and pathetic loser, however, you may wish to set up a pre-scheduled set of calls with your only friend. If you don’t have one, just leave a message on your mom’s phone telling her you’re gay. That will get her lighting up your phone faster than Tom Paris in the Voyager episode “Threshold.”
Now, just let that puppy ring! When that phone goes off, everybody around you will think you had some really awesome Chipotle or Baja Fresh for lunch. Wait. Just wait. See how long it takes somebody to make an issue of it. If nobody ever does, feel free to answer your phone at work or in class from now on. If they do, accuse them of being an insensitive prick who can’t seem to understand when someone has irritable bowel syndrome.
"Hey, Mom. No, I don't like dick, I was just doing an experiment concerning farts in the work place. No, Mom. My farts don't sound hollow.
The most fun part of this experiment is watching the faces of those around you. Some people will giggle in embarrassed delight, while others will look at you as if you just swallowed an entire puppy. It can tell you a hell of a lot about the way people see each other. If someone doesn’t like you farting around them, remind them that it’s always better out than in!
Have fun, budding sociologists, and rip one for me!